Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize