I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Randomize
