if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
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