I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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