I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
