My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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