Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
