allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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