I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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