It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
