I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
