hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I've blown a few things in my day
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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