i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
