Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
