He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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