Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
