It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
