Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
