i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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