So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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