just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
