Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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