her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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