I just threw up on my dentist
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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