TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
