How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
