I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
