I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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