final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
