SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
