Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up under a house in Key West
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
