He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
