I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize