ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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