I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
