new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
