Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
