Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
