I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
