I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
