I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
