You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
