who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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