I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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