What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
