Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
