im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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