capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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