make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
