i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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