I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
