Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
