just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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