Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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