dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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