I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
