Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
