Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
