I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
