I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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