She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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