omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize