Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
