I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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