Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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