sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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