the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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